Photo by Kayla Nicole.Happiness is my new pet peeve. Just the idea of it makes me cranky.
We’re steeped in happy talk. Research and theories, projects and workshops, books and blogs on nothing but happiness and how to find it. Happiness is a new industry. But then, every industry is a happiness industry, and all pursuits are pursuits of happiness.
The other day I googled “ways to be happy” and the articles on just the first page of results enumerated 129 ways to be happy. If someone had the free time to look up and do those things you’d think they’d be plenty happy already. Yet even with all the advice, a lot of us say we are less happy.
A couple of years ago researchers made headlines out of what they called a “happiness gap” between men and women. These days, men say they are more happy and women, less so. Social critics on all sides have had a field day with it. Some blame inequity at work and home. Others see the failure of feminism. Reasons abound on either side of the argument, but I don’t put much stock in reasons. I wonder instead if the answer lies in the question itself.
The Second Patriarch said to Bodhidharma, “My mind has no peace! I beg you, master, please pacify my mind!” “Bring your mind here and I will pacify it for you,” replied Bodhidharma. “I have searched my mind and I cannot take hold of it,” said the Second Patriarch. “Now your mind is pacified,” said Bodhidharma.
Given a chance to think about it, I never run out of reasons to be unhappy. I could say that life today is too fast and cruel, too demanding, alienating and unfair. But I spent a summer reading each of the nine books in Laura Ingalls Wilder’s Little House on the Prairie series to my daughter, and I had a glimpse of how hard life used to be. No money. No help. No heat. No food. No water. No medicine. No roof. No floors. No windows. Plus flood, fire and pestilence. And these were on the good days!
Or I can recall my grandmother’s life: Up at dawn. Feeding the sheep and the chickens. Making daily bread and breakfast by the heat of the stove. Laundry in the washhouse. Curing meat in the smokehouse. The trek to the outhouse. Sewing, baking, canning, cooking, cleaning and raising five kids in four rooms during the Great Depression.
Was grandma happy? I don’t think anyone asked. I don’t think she asked.
The happiness gap I’m concerned about isn’t the one on a chart or survey. It’s the gap between the question and answer.
Are you happy?
Well, no, not very, come to think of it.
Given an invitation to go back into my ruminating, judging mind, weighing this against that, I’m not surprised that what comes out of it is the idea that my life isn’t good enough.
Ummon addressed the assembly and said, “I am not asking you about the days before the fifteenth of the month. But what about after the fifteenth? Come and give me a word about those days.” And he himself gave the answer for them: “Every day is a good day.”
The telltale line in this koan is “he himself answered for them.” Where do you suppose the monks had gone, lost in thought, deliberating and dumbstruck? Into the unhappiness gap.
Could it be that the secret to happiness is always staring you in the face? Don’t ask me, I’m happy not knowing.
The Happiness Industry: the production of a product (Happiness) with the shortest shelf-life, or with no shelf-life. If we believe French theorist, Georges Bataille, production will reach a point, and maybe it already has, when we can no longer consume all that we produce. It is production for production's sake. The production of happiness then seems to be an apt diagnosis for our times because happiness is easily sold and its illusion, cheaply manufactured.
So true, and it doesn't require belief, because it is experienced.
Experience, yes. If we believe, as some do, that there is a difference between emotion and mood, the "question" and "answer" of happiness becomes further problematic. Our mood, like angst, can be a platform on which our emotions play out. Like something more originary then our emotions. If we find ourselves anxious in our daily lives, then the question of our own happiness becomes predicated "affectually" on that angst. An industry of happiness pretends to negate that initial mood, telling us that we are merely blank slates on which our emotions can be both painted and erased. A secret to happiness, then, would seem to be even more of a red herring. Thanks for an interesting post.
The other night I sat in an old rocking chair with one broken rung reading a book in silence because the one television station which I can sometimes get wasn't coming through that night. Around me in various poses were four sleeping dogs and a cat. I looked up from my book at the animals, smiled, and said, "I am happy." I don't think this is what the happiness industry has in mind.
I've been rather surprised by a few visits from old friends all of whom said how good it was to see me happier. I immediately wanted to argue, happy, no, I'm not happy, but I waited until the impulse passed and just smiled and nodded instead.
C
I've tried several times to log in here to no luck, but this is Chris Austin-Lane.
Happiness is a kind of persistence, isn't it? I'm happy you did.
I keep trying to convince my husband that there's a lot he should be unhappy about – the corrupt, horrible govt, the unfairness of life here in Thailand for those without money and power, the fact that it's nearly impossible to find someone to come and make minor repairs in the house, etc etc. But darnit, he continues to be happy in spite of it all!
Whenever I ask him how he can remain so happy, he always says, "I just don't worry about stuff". Still can't get my head around it!
Looks like it's not a matter of convincing, hmm?
maezen, thank you for this post. of course there are no coincidences and this very idea has been at the forefront of my thoughts lately. i've been paying attention to people's language and energy. it seems that generally people are not "happy". they are burdened, they are worried, they are broke,n they are scared, and i keep having this little voice in me say, "why can't they just be happy?" now i want to stay away from folks offering any type of negative energy which basically means i can no longer leave my house. so my desire is to maintain my own sense of joy in the midst of a tribe that does not share the same principal. as i write this i recognize that my work is in the practice of what i want, not what is happening around me. is it really possible to establish those boundries?
Myriam, yes you can leave your house. In fact you must! Then you can enter the house with no boundaries and truly serve others. We'll do it together, you'll see.
Happiness is conditional (happy/unhappy). Instead, I like to think in terms of bliss – there is no opposite to avoid. In the absence of bliss, these days the focus of my practice is acting "as if."
Some adjectives seem to me a sort of mistake, like "interesting."
Interesting mistake points directly to unhappiness, so true.